Guys. I love Mark Henry. Every time I pick the recipe of a current WWE Superstar I become really excited because I can tell you more about how I feel rather than spewing some factoids at you.
Mark Henry is a 20 year veteran of the WWE. He joined in 1996 after wrecking powerlifting records and earning the title of Worlds Strongest Man. He is 399lbs of destruction. Mark Henry and I have so many great memories over the years. There was the time he joined forces with Hornswaggle, made a baby with Mae Young that turned out to be a hand when she gave birth and caused a ring collapse with Big Show. He is the only WWE Superstar to have a theme performed by Oscar winners. He’s held the European Championship, ECW Championship and the World Heavyweight Championship. He can and will kill you. That’s what he does.
He’s also responsible for one of my favorite moments ever on Monday Night Raw. (Hint: It involves tears, lies and beating the crap out of John Cena.) Mark Henry, I love you.
So where did ‘Sexual Chocolate’ come from? Well, one of Henry’s story lines during the Attitude Era was that he was a sex addict who lost his virginity to his sister at the age of eight…wait…what the hell?
I’m going to stop here for a minute, because I feel disgusting. There were a few story lines during the Attitude Era that were incestuous. I’m not sure how they got away with it or why they even did them, but those story lines were gross, immature and lazy writing for the sake of shock value. And people, such as myself, wonder why people hate wrestling and think it’s horrible television. Well, it was and sometimes it still is, but it’s nothing like it was in the 90’s because none of that would fly today.
Okay, so the origin story of ‘Sexual Chocolate’ isn’t great, but the cake itself is delicious. I have no segue. I tried though.
When explaining to my co-workers what I was making for our Holiday potluck I refused to refer to it by name and explained it instead. “Oh, that’s a Better Than Sex Cake,” said everyone. Yes, it is. I will not elaborate any further.
The first thing I ever cooked, well, assembled, was a trifle consisting of the same ingredients in my high school home economics class. If this flimsy silver pan isn’t working for you, layer them in a pretty glass bowl.
This is an easy recipe guaranteed to make everyone happy and sugar drunk. The most difficult part of this was finding Heath bars to sprinkle on top.
My co-workers brought in healthy, delicious dishes. Vegan Mac and Cheese, vegetarian chili, brussel sprouts, tuna salad. I brought an enormous 9X13 pan of diabetes. However, the cake was a hit and provided everyone with a quick sugar spike and subsequent crash to make the day drag on just a little longer.
“Oh, there’s no room in the fridge for it so I guess I need to take it home,” me, at 5pm. “Zzzzzzzz,” me, at 6:12pm.
This cookbook has a record of 11-4.
Baking stresses me out. I’ve lived in my home for over a year and I am still not entirely sure how to turn off the top heating element in my oven. It’s too fancy and efficient for me. I don’t understand how it works and haven’t really taken the steps to figure out how to understand. Someday. (Edit: I figured it out.)
This book has a multitude of desserts and about six of them are pies. Unless you’re The Rock, the only acceptable time to eat pie is between November 20 and December 27th. That’s too little a time frame to make six different pies. Plus, some of the recipes are for specific pie lovers. There’s a recipe for something called “Millionaire Pie” and also one for banana cream pie which I am pretty sure no one likes. If you’re that person, let me know and I will make you your very own BCP.
I settled on making Mankind’s Pumpkin Pie for my office’s annual Pie Day. Without a doubt, it is my favorite day at the office and I don’t even really like pie, but I love food and celebrations! Pies are ordered from Petsi Pies, a local, delicious bakery and employees can bring in pies to share and auction off to benefit one of our giving programs at the agency. I bought a giant can of Pumpkin Pie filling at our office’s Senior Pet Store, which sells donated items from the local Target to benefit the program of the same name. With enough pumpkin for two pies, I brought in one to share and one to auction. Kinda. You’ll see.
Before I ventured on this task, I tweeted at Mankind himself, Mick Foley, to do some investigating as to the legitimacy of this recipe. He didn’t respond, but it got a “like!”
I expected more from my friend, Mick Foley. Back in 2010 I met him at a book signing at the BU Barnes and Noble (Awesome Kong/Kharma was also hanging out there, btw.) I’ll admit I wasn’t that familiar with Foley’s in ring work, but I’d read his first three books and loved them. He read from the chapter from “Countdown to Lockdown” in which he discusses his love of listening to Tori Amos’ “Winter” pre-match. When it came time to have him sign my book I could only muster a “I love Tori Amos, too.”
He stopped writing and slowly looked up. “Really?” And that began a ten minute long conversation between Foley and I about our favorite songstress which ended when the book store staff told me that I had to move along so other people could meet him.
I was almost out the door when he called me back in and asked me to lean down towards his good ear. “I just wanted to let you know that you did a really good job. We love not talking about wrestling sometimes.” I’m terrible at meeting famous people so I feel like I redeemed myself.
Foley is probably the best human on the planet. Not only is he engaging, sweet and funny, but he is a volunteer with RAINN (Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network), an infrequent correspondent on The Daily Show, a best selling author and a Christmas obsessed wannabe Santa Claus. He is the best.
Why should this pumpkin pie be any different? Even if it’s not from Foley himself (I read the contributions in the book), it appeared to be a standard pumpkin pie recipe. I rolled out the pie crust without issue, but I need to work on my edging technique. Next time.
The pies came out looking a little overdone because of the top heating element and they didn’t look done in the middle when I the timer went off. When I put the knife in, a pretty good chunk of the pumpkin came out with it. I tried to make this look less jank on the other pie by trying to drawn an X and it may have worked. It’s what’s on the inside that counts.
And I have to say. The pie is delicious. I know this because once I realized that I had sliced a line in the pie while checking it’s doneness, I just cut a piece out and ate it. Then I had a slight panic attack about having to bring this in to share with other people so I cut another small piece. This is not normal. I was able to mask this during the presentation by saying that if I ever bring a baked good to your house and a piece is missing, you know I tested it and it’s the bomb.
My co-workers also seemed to like the pie and at auction it sold for $25. I would’ve been happy with anything above $5. Hopefully her friends and family enjoyed it at their Thanksgiving celebration!
So, what to watch when you eat this pie? I would highly recommend 1998’s Survivor Series. The event takes place the weekend before Thanksgiving and Mankind participates in the WWF Championship Tournament facing The Rock, Stone Cold and some others.
I would absolutely make this recipe again. Pumpkin Pie is one of those intimidating recipes, but let me give you a pep talk: You can do this. Just learn from my mistakes. And remember to wear an oven mitt when you take the pie out of the over. If you don’t have one. A Mr. Socko will do.
Have a nice day!
Record: 9 wins, 3 loses.
One of the things that I find stressful and exciting about hosting is making sure that the dishes I prepare meet the dietary needs of my friends. For one of the most recent gatherings I had I wanted to make sure that I had enough snacks on hand for my vegan and gluten free friends.
Trying to stick with recipes from this cookbook was challenging, but when I came across Stephanie’s Tasty Green Apple recipe, I decided to give it a shot even though it is super weird.
The daughter of WWE CEO, Vince McMahon, Stephanie McMahon wasn’t handed her opportunities with the company. After graduating from Boston University with a degree in Communications, she started as a receptionist and account executive before moving on to become the Director of Creative Television in 2002. She served as Senior and Executive Vice President from 2010 until she began her current role as Chief Brand Officer in 2013.
On television, she’s a former Women’s Champion and General Manager. These days she leads The Authority with her husband, Triple H, acting like a cool mom and slapping Brie Bella for existing. It’s great.
She made $100 million last year. Welcome to the Queendom.
Lately I haven’t been that great at planning my time and have packed my days with multiple activities. My family came up the morning of my gathering to take some of my old furniture. I got to spend some time with my awesome seven year old niece who wanted to help me make this instead of staring at my cat under the couch.
She washed the grapes and apple while I dumped what was ready in the pan. I taught her how to measure liquid and let her pour the orange juice all over. I dumped way too much cinnamon on top of everything and she let me know that. When she asked me why I was taking a picture, I said it was so I could remember it. She grabbed her mom’s phone and also took a picture. It was a cool moment.
So, I’m not really sure how this was supposed to turn out. I followed all the directions and flawless measured the ingredients, but the liquid never absorbed into the fruit. I put this in the oven a few times before I eventually gave up and just left it on the stove.
I didn’t bother serving this because my friends brought over so much delicious food. When I finally heated up a cup of this in the microwave, I was really overwhelmed. Apples should be served solo or with peanut butter (JIF Salted Caramel, preferably) and grapes should be served with brie. Everything should be served with brie.
This recipe is pretty lame, so you’re going to want to watch something engaging while you try to enjoy it. I highly recommend Stephanie’s match against Brie Bella at Summer Slam 2014, but any of her wedding ceremonies would work, too. If you’re looking to watch her get ripped apart, watch her segment with The Rock and Ronda Rousey from this past Wrestlemania.
Also, I’m 90% sure that the title of this recipe has something to do her with her boobs.
This cookbook has a record of 7-3.
Honestly, I was really worried about how this particular recipe was going to work out. Quiches and frittata’s tend to be based around vegetables of substance, but this particular quiche only relied on basil and is crustless. Since I was serving this for book club, I was terrified as to how this was going to turn out and if it would be enough to serve my guests (alongside The Rock’s Pancakes.)
Thankfully, it was a hit! I’m sure you could add some of your own veggies to make it hearty, but serve this alongside some fruit and you have a very healthy breakfast – and a happy book club – I think!
Kevin Kelly was a ring announcer and manager for WWE from the mid-90’s to 2003. Wikipedia tells me that The Rock made fun of him a whole bunch and he was part of the controversial “Pillman’s Got a Gun” segment. Kelly has been working as an announcer for Ring of Honor since 2010. He also makes a bomb quiche.
Oh! Add some mozzarella and tomato to make for a truly memorable quiche experience. Oh! I just realized I should’ve used fresh basil and not the shaky stuff from the container. Whoops! Still good though!
This cookbook has a record of 7-2.
(If you have some time on your hands google “Kevin Kelly wrestling quiche” and just try to figure out exactly what it all means.)
I’m a pretty lazy host when it comes to having things at my home. Generally, I buy some cheese, crackers, salsa, chips and try to bake at least one thing. Using this cookbook to cater my exclusive affairs has helped me think creatively when it comes to the menu.
And besides, salsa is way more fun to serve when the recipe comes from the only female Intercontinental Champion/eventual porn star/will never be the HOF because of that/but wait Hulk Hogan was in and he had a sex tape/yeah, but they took him out when his racism was exposed/oh okay, more wrestling misogyny, I guess, Chyna.
I served this as part of a Charity Knitting group that I host periodically. This first one was rather impromptu and small because grad school, but I hope to host more throughout the winter. We’re always seeking knitters to make scarves and scarf/yarn donations. Last winter we placed a little over 20 scarves in the areas of the city where the majority of homeless people congregate in an effort to help combat the bitter cold.
Chyna’s recipe was pretty intense and called for eight (!!!!) jalapeños. I bought three and ended up using two and it was still spicy as hell. I hadn’t added any salt or pepper, like it suggests, because I have a baby mouth, but a few attendees with a more sophisticated palette added the salt and pepper and made it much, much better for everyone.
Since I had a ton of this left over, I used 1/4 cup in my morning egg and cheese scramble until it was all gone. It was amazing.
Again, I didn’t take any pictures, but it probably looked like this:
This dish is best enjoyed watching Chyna shatter glass ceilings as the first female entrant of the Royal Rumble in 1999. (There have only been two other women: Beth Phoenix (2010) and Kharma (2012) Hoping for Sasha Banks (2016).
So, yeah, totally serve this at your next function. People will be impressed with your skills! You’ll be a hero! Bring some baked chips and NEVER bring Tostito’s “Touch of Lime” and you’ll be a hit!
This cookbook has a record of 6-2.
A few months ago I saw a nutritionist for help with resetting my diet so I can begin my weight loss and get some better guidance around what foods I should avoid or indulge in with PCOS. We failed to see eye to this as she gave me a list of foods I could eat, told me I can have all the sugar-free gelatin I want and proceeded to mildly fat shame me when I asked specific questions. Avoiding bread was high on my list so her lunch suggestion of “a sandwich. It’s not that hard” made me want to smack her across the face with her plastic single portion mashed potatoes medieval duel style.
This recipe is not only healthy, but it is also PCOS friendly. It contains a high amount of protein, no dairy and no carbs. Who’s the nutritionist now!?
You might remember Paul Bearer as The Undertakers high pitched manager who accompanied him to the ring carrying an urn and looking scary as hell. I remember him as the guy I always thought was hiding in my closet with The Undertaker prepared to terrify me at any moment from ages 8-12.
At the beginning of his career, The Undertaker relied on Bearer to convey just how emotionally scarred and dangerous Undertaker was to his opponents. He played a pivotal role in the relationship between Undertaker and his brother, Kane, often switching alliances to progress the story
Bearer began his career as a teenager working as a wrestling manager and photographer. After college he spent a few years in the Air Force before returning back to wrestling. When his first son was born, he quit the wrestling business to pursue a master’s in mortuary sciences. In between stints in the WWE, he ran a funeral home.
He passed away in 2013 after suffering a heart attack at his home in Mobile, Alabama. Bearer was posthumously inducted in the WWE Hall of Fame in 2014.
Paul Bearer struggled with his weight all his life. At the time this book was published, Bearer had lost over 100lbs by changing his eating habits. This is one of a handful of recipes featured under the “Lighter Fare” section.
If you’re a meal planner, this recipe is perfect for you. It requires very few, cheap ingredients. If you’re into beautiful flower like meal presentations, then score the tomato to open like a delicate flower and scoop your tuna mixture in it’s crevices.
I’ve been really bad at taking pictures lately, but it looks something like this:
Aren’t they GORGEOUS?
Enjoy this recipe while watching any The Funeral Parlor segment hosted by Bearer.
While it may not seem that original, this is one of the more creative recipes in the cookbook. (Please see Big Boss Man’s Refrigerator Cookies for comparison).
This cookbook has a record of 5-2.
Yesterday I was thumbing through this cookbook thinking that there couldn’t be more than 50 recipes to make, but I stopped counting once I got to 50 and realized that there’s probably 120. I had yet to tackle something from the drinks portion and since I was looking for an easy recipe using things I have on hand (I haven’t been grocery shopping in about two weeks) I settled on Sgt. Slaughter’s Reveille Coffee.
First a bit about Sgt. Slaughter. In my opinion, he is the most underrated wrestler from that era and one of the greatest talkers in the business. He became one of the most hated characters ever as a result of turning his back on America during the Gulf War and aligning himself with General Adnan. Things got so bad IRL for the Sarg that he would wear a bullet proof vest and travel with security whenever out in public. I remember watching Wrestlemania VII and screaming at the television when Sgt. Slaughter came out to face Hogan. Hogan had to win FOR AMERICA. This match, as well as the Macho Man/Ultimate Warrior retirement match from the same Wrestlemania, are two of the greatest storytelling matches. We need more of that.
This recipe is simple. Just add 1 teaspoon of cinnamon for every two cups of coffee you’re going to make in your Mr. Coffee. Since I rely on my single cup Keurig brewer I had to improvise a little bit. Now, this may not have been the most thought out plan since it was early morning after a hot night of biostats and I hadn’t had any coffee yet because I needed to figure out how to make my coffee.
I poked a weird hole in my Cinnabon K-Cup and just dumped as much Cinnamon in it as I could. Genius, right? Also, secrets out I love cinnamon. Well aside from getting it all over my counter and having it leak a little over the sides of the Keurig due to the sizable hole I created, it was a success. A delicious success.
Now, why on earth would you want to add Cinnamon to your coffee? Unless you’re obsessed with it, like I am, there are tons of health benefits. According to this story in Greatist:
- Replacing your sugar and cream with cinnamon will reduce your morning cup o’ joe by 70 calories.
- If you’re Type II diabetic, a teaspoon of cinnamon can lower blood sugar levels and total cholesterol levels.
- It slows digestion and boosts metabolism while supporting digestive health.
- Increases circulation, reduces joint pain, stiffness and inflammation.
- Strengthens immune system by enhancing antioxidants.
Served best with a 1991 Royal Rumble World Heavyweight title match.
Win! Guys!!! Why haven’t we been adding cinnamon to our coffee this whole time!? It’s barely noticeable, tastes like fall (and probably winter, too) and is good for your body. I’m sure there are people already touting this as a “life hack.”
This cookbook is now 2-1.
After discovering this lost gem within my cookbook collection, I have decided to cook my way through Can You Take The Heat?: The WWE is Cooking!, the official cookbook of the Attitude Era.
Our first installment, which I randomly selected by flipping through the book and stopping on a page, is the Brooklyn Brawler’s Artichoke Chicken. Now, I’m not entirely sure if all of these recipes actually come from the wrestlers themselves, but the Brawler’s recipe began with a dedication to a friend who had passed, so I am presuming this is legit.
Brawler was a staple in the WWE from 1983 until the mid 1990’s wrestling as enhancement talent. Now, you can find Brawler backstage at WWE events producing all those awkward backstage segments. As you will read below, this recipe is a total jobber, like Brawler, it’s just there to add protein to something more flavorful.
I am disappointed that it’s not called the Arti-REAR CHOKE HOLD Chicken. Do I have to do everything? There are almost no puns in this book and the majority of recipes don’t even seem to jive with the wrestler’s persona. More about that as we cook our way through!
Let me preface this by saying I am not creative in the kitchen and am very clumsy. When I flipped through the book, I was happy to see that the ingredients and steps were really very basic. This recipe fits that description. Some of the ingredients I already had on hand and the rest were easy to find in the grocery store. The most difficult part of this recipe was finding 4oz of artichoke hearts (with oil) at my local grocer. After an extensive search I was able to locate it in the International Foods aisle in a 6oz container. I used the entire thing because I’ve been doing Biostatistics all day and I don’t want to do any more math.
Some legal thing will probably happen if I post the actual recipe, but here are the ingredients!
I dumped way too much flour on the chicken which may have been a big mistake. I need better attention to detail when I am cooking.I also should’ve thrown in some salt and pepper to enhance the flavor, I guess.
The recipe calls for cooking half the chicken in a frying pan, dumping it into a roasting pan and repeating the same with the other half. I used a 12″ cast iron skillet and was able to fry all the chicken at once, dump other stuff in and put it in the oven.
It was pretty bland which can be blamed on me and not the Brawler. The recipe calls for garlic salt and I used the garlic powder I had on hand instead. Lesson learned!
I served it over broccoli instead of grains. It’s grey. The chicken and the artichokes bled together to form one unappetizing color. I wonder if it could’ve been done without coating the chicken in flour since the gravy does not really enhance the final product.
This yields 4 servings. Each serving is 9 weight watcher points or about 377 calories (I used a very loose recipe builder to obtain these Nutrition Facts so the recipe may be lower in calories.)
Since this was a little bland I recommend the 1989 Saturday Night Main Event (March 11 episode vs Red Rooster) or a 1993 Raw (December 13 vs Bret Hart.)
A non-title LOSS! There are many pros to this recipe: cheap, packed with protein, quick and easy to make, but it’s GREY. I didn’t like it enough to make it again.
This cookbook has a record of 0-1.
This past weekend at UFC 184, “Rowdy” Ronda Rousey shattered the UFC record for quickest finish when she destroyed Cat Zingano with the arm bar at fourteen seconds. At the end of the match, Joe Rogan referred to her as the “most dominant female in combat sports history.” Rousey is now 10-0, remains the UFC Bantam Weight Champion and has wiped out her entire weight class. Rogan asked her who she wants to face next, because she’s Ronda f*cking Rousey and she can pick her own opponents now. Is there anyone else in all of MMA that is as dominant as her? No. So let’s just drop the female part.
Two women’s fights headlined this PPV which is unprecedented considering that UFC President, Dana White, had at one time declared that women would never fight in the octagon arguing that women’s fights weren’t a draw. Judging from tonight, the Most Dominant Female got a pretty good ovation. Pretty, pretty pretttttttty good.
But why is that? There’s a story there. Rousey is the reason why women exist in UFC and is responsible for the popularity. She’s a complete and total bad ass who has ripped apart every opponent. One of the reasons why I’d been looking forward to this fight is because Zingano, who is now 9-1, was supposed to be the biggest threat to Rousey’s undefeated streak. And Rousey straight up murdered her immediately. And so the question of “Is there anyone that can beat Ronda Rousey?” persists. Drama.
You may have heard in the news that WWE fans have finally thrown their hands up in the air when it comes to the Diva’s division. I gave up a long time ago. Every year or so we get a glimpse of hope that things are going to change. The addition of Kharma in 2010 was supposed to shake things up, but she left abruptly after becoming pregnant. Almost the entire Diva’s roster left over the course of the next two years. They signed Sara del Rey as a trainer to make the current crop of Diva’s better wrestlers, but some women they hired just can’t get on the main roster level. About a year or so ago, WWE stopped exclusively signing models and added some actual female indie performs to their roster. Who knew signing actual wrestlers was a good idea other than literally everyone? (In a perfect world, Rousey would come to WWE and just arm bar everyone to death.)
Over the past year, I’ve almost completely lost interest in WWE. It’s like when the lead singer of your favorite death metal band goes to rehab in Scottsdale, writes an experimental acoustic album and then launches a tour in support of it where they only play that album. Sure, they’re putting out new material, but it sucks, so you don’t listen and over time you slowly drift away and everything else they’ve ever done seems trite.
And that’s WWE. It sucks.
This past week on Raw, The Bella Twins (who are way better wrestlers than when they were signed previously), beat the team of NXT/Indie Darlings Paige and Emma in five seconds. However, unlike Rousey’s victory, no records were set. (Except for longest brow furrow from yours truly.) Wrestling is sports entertainment and, while physical demanding, is scripted. The matches are supposed to tell a story. If done right, they push a story along while showcasing what these athletes are capable of doing in the ring. Now you are invested! These relationships are interesting! This match failed all that. The entrances took far longer the entire match. If you blinked, you missed it.
You also may have missed it because you’re the person that gets up during a Diva’s match to use the bathroom. You have been conditioned over the years to take that time for yourself. I get it, Raw is long. You need your me time. You don’t want to watch a bunch of botched moves, unnecessary and awkward lesbian story lines (that are supposed to play out IRL on Total Divas) ) and all the “Girl Byes” Cameron can throw in your direction. It’s not entertaining – it’s sad. And it’s sad because they are capable of so much more and they don’t get the chance to show that. Like, honestly, why even hire, train and put these women out there if they’re going to do absolutely nothing for your product? What a terrible investment.
(If I may break away for a moment to discuss how asinine “Total Divas” is, please. We’re expected to believe that it is a reality show, but it’s apparent it’s so overly scripted. Matches are lined up on Raw and Smackdown with absolutely no back story only for us to discover, months later, that it was part of a storyline on the show. TD is ruining any shot the Divas have of making a division worth a damn. None of it makes sense.)
The longest reigning Diva’s Champion, AJ Lee, weighed in on this issue on twitter in support of the Divas. They’re underpaid compared to the male talent, except for the NXT Divas who make more money so they can keep up the high standard of beauty WWE requires. AJ herself is the victim of nightly misogyny. Any time she enters the ring, the fans cheer for retired pro-wrestler CM Punk, who just happens to be her husband. The hashtag #GiveDivasAChance began circulating on twitter and even drew the attention of the WWE brass. I’m not optimistic.
No one wants to root for the Diva’s more than me. I wish they would drop that tramp stamp title belt and revert back to the Women’s Championship. You know, the title with some prestige and history dating back past 2006. And it’s our fault for letting it go on this long and not fighting for something we love to be better. When Brie Bella is telling fans that she wishes she was back in developmental because there’s more opportunities for her to wrestle, make your product better. Brie hasn’t been in developmental since 2005. SHE WANTS TO REGRESS. WAKE UP!
She’s right though. WWE’s developmental system, NXT, showcases the best and the brightest of the future of the company. This past NXT special pitted NXT Women’s Champion Charlotte against Sasha Banks, Becky Lynch and Bayley. Banks, from Boston, honed her craft on scholarship at the prestigious Chaotic Wrestling school. Lynch is a submission specialist from Ireland while Bayley was a staple of the West Coast indies. Charlotte was the only one without previous experience, but she is the daughter of Ric Flair.
Unlike the main roster Divas, whose relationships with other women are “You’re ugly LOL” and “That’s MY boyfriend SMDH,” this match was founded on four women who have developed legit beef with each other over wanting to be the best. Charlotte boasts herself as “genetically superior” to the rest. Banks and Lynch’s “Team Bae” duo broke up the week before the match because neither wanted the other to outshine her. And Bayley, the complete underdog in every way, has earned the respect of most of her competitors for not backing down and was fired up to prove she deserved to be on the same level. They put on an incredible match which would’ve been a great match regardless of gender. And when it was over, everyone’s story line moved forward. NXT is the best. And Raw/Smackdown/Main Event can do the same thing! They have to give us a reason to care.
Who do you want your daughters looking up to? Girls who say “To be the best, you’ve got to beat the best” or the shallow, self involved, vindictive for no reason characters that WWE has created for their weekly television tapings only for the announce team to spend the 35 seconds their matches go on for talking about John Cena’s latest whatever no one cares?
You should say Ronda Rousey. And hopefully some day soon you will say Sasha Banks.
The focus of what I intentionally set out to do with writing has taken a turn towards always writing about dating and finding ways to your love yourself. It is supposed to be about things that I do and, since dating is a thing I guess I do, you get this gem. A friend posted a link to this story about a new dating website on Facebook and wrote “I immediately thought of you* when I saw this. (*You know who you are.)”
I took this as a challenge and signed up for Tag Me a Date. Yes, it’s exactly what you’re thinking: a dating service for wrestling fans.
My hope was that I would get a few yuks out of the format. Best case scenario? The Miss Elizabeth to my Macho Man. Yup, that is exactly what I meant.
Anyway, here’s a little blurb from the CEO/Co-Founder about how they do their matching.
Our site will allow people to find matches based on questions such as favorite wrestler, favorite manager, and favorite tag team. We also provide space for users to talk about what drove them to wrestling and to discuss the experiences of any live events they may have been to.
Could it be? Could I finally find that man that agrees Alicia Fox’s ring work has improved tremendously since being trained by Sara del Rey? Would he admit to originally thinking The Shield break up was a terrible idea, but has loved that dynamic between Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose? Does he know all of RD Evans personas and love them all equally? DOES HE HATE JOHN CENA AS MUCH AS I DO?
The first step is creating your “Wrestling Name”, referred to as a user name on every other dating website in existence, displayed to your future Ravishing Rick Rude or The Mountie (if you’re into that sort of thing.) I fought every single urge to call myself HardFartVictory. For the record, it’s The1in21and1 and I am now the coolest person you know. The options under gender were “Male” or “Diva” which is how I imagine their headquarters hilariously labels their bathrooms that way. They should have been labeled “Superstar” and “Diva.” That earned a five chuckle shuffle from me. (I’M SORRY!).
Following the typical demographic information, I went on to answer a series of “What’s/Whose your favorite _____?” culminating with “Which wrestler would you want to be?” Surprisingly, I chose Emma because she dances and is oblivious to everyone else. None of my answers were from the attitude era because I want a man with the same preference for PG entertainment (who really hates John Cena. Mandatory.)
This site must have been created by a fifteen year old that is approaching the midterm of his C++ class. I spent a solid twenty minutes trying to remember/(re)create my password and, no, it’s not because I am a 32 year old NARC. I began to worry that this week long project would not go forward due to a lack of people my age signing up for this. Oh god, what have I done?
Once I logged in, my eyes immediately focused on the “In Ring Action” button at the top of the screen (because it was the weirdest). The search fields were exactly what the CEO stated their matches would be based on. I typed in my Favorite Wrestler (Dean Ambrose), Favorite Tag Team (Team Hell No) and Favorite Manager (Paul Heyman) and a list of available gentlemen to watch wrestling with online not at all based on location was generated for me…with each man and their photo listed twice. What IS this? I selected the first gentleman by clicking on a link below his photo reading “Tag Me” hoping to get a glimpse into some more interesting information.
It brought me to my own profile.
Okay, we’re done here. Now, if I can figure out how to delete this thing forever, I’ll be thrilled. What a hard fart…fart.
(The above picture was taken at a WWE House Show in Providence, RI in 2012. Please do not steal. Not that you would.)