A few days before this event took place, I sat across from my friend Vincent enjoying a fantastic sushi buffet. “I think I’ve realized that I don’t care if I am alone forever. It’s all I know,” I said.
He shook his head vehemently. “No. It’s actually something I’ve been thinking about lately. We need companionship. You need companionship.”
I didn’t need much time to craft my response. “I just want to eat sushi, watch wrestling, and knit with my cat forever.”
He shrugged. “Well, then maybe you will live alone forever.” We both laughed, but in a way I knew what Vincent was saying was true. And what I was saying is true, too. At this point in my life I am totally okay not dating.
I need to preface this entry by saying that I was doing speed dating for the wrong reasons. I did it because I wanted to do some thing different, hilarious, and totally out of my comfort zone. I was not doing this to find my soulmate.
“I think I am going to do a different character for each interview.”
“But what if one of them is a your soul mate?” We both laughed, but in a way I knew what Kamille was saying was true. And what I was saying is true, too. At this point in my life I feel like dating is just interviewing people.
My dating experience is limited. I went out on a date with a guy who wrote me an email saying “I just don’t think I can give you want you want.” My response was “Hey, Sorry to write back, but I am so thrilled that someone can tell me what it is that I want, because I wasn’t really sure myself. SPILL IT!” I dated a guy who told me he wanted to make plans through the now defunct AIM and made it a point to tell me, on every date, just how much he disliked Mick Foley because of his college roommate. I went out on a date with a guy who after we finished our beers and I said “What now?” he leaned in, said “this,” and followed it with a kiss. “So, ice cream?” I asked. It was all I could do to not vomit in my mouth. What I really wanted to say was “Get away from me. I have a scarf I need to finish and last nights Smackdown on my DVR.”
I knew I was going to be a tough sell and that was fine by me.
This list has been revamped quite a few times. Some of the easier or more boring things have been replaced by completely ridiculous things. When Speed Dating jumped up as a Living Social deal, Kamille and I took advantage of it. So, along with our friend Jess, we made our way to Om in Cambridge on a beautiful April evening. We’d received an email a few days before saying that it had been moved to Om from Petit Robert in Downtown Boston because there were so many people they needed a bigger space.
I thought of a few different ways I could present myself to my potential suitors. I could sit there and stare in silence; I could put a tape recorder on that table, say “go” and sit there with my arms folded; or I could put my arm on the table arm wrestling style and say “If you lose the first one, we will make it best out of three. I’m a good sport.” All endearing and very true to who I am.
Someone who is totally bad at this interacting thing.
Overall, it went well. And, strangely, a little fun. Of the nine guys that I spoke to, most were normal. Some were really totally weird. Here are a few of my favorite interactions for varios reasons:
“Is this your first time doing speed dating?”
“No, they told me that they needed more guys, so I’m here for free.”
“You’re an engineer? Awesome! What type of engineering?”
“I make organs.”
“How long have you been doing that for?”
“All my life.”
and my contribution?
“I did a year of community service in Texas.”
“Uhhh…not court mandated?”
I won’t even go in depth about the kid that said no one got him because he was “super nerdy” and then judged me when I mentioned that I like wrestling. For the record I mentioned wrestling one time and my cats giant penis zero times. In retrospect, I probably should’ve opened with the cat bit, it’s a great conversation starter. One of my friends has bedded many a women by telling my own life stories. Apparently, I’d kill with women.
So, after you forcefully engage with nine questionably suitable bachelors, you list your top five on the card. If they list you on theirs, you get an email in 24 hours with each others email address so that you can spend more than 6 minutes together. Neither Kamille, Jess, or I received an email stating that any of these dudes were interested. And you know what? That’s ok. I have a yoga mat bag to knit and Daniel Bryan is about to cut an awesome “YES! YES! YES!” promo on Monday Night Raw.