Tag Archives: cooking

[WWE Cookbook] Mark Henry’s “Sexual Chocolate” Cake

Guys. I love Mark Henry. Every time I pick the recipe of a current WWE Superstar I become really excited because I can tell you more about how I feel rather than spewing some factoids at you.

aa0e5af4cfmarkhenryMark Henry is a 20 year veteran of the WWE. He joined in 1996 after wrecking powerlifting records and earning the title of Worlds Strongest Man. He is 399lbs of destruction. Mark Henry and I have so many great memories over the years. There was the time he joined forces with Hornswaggle, made a baby with Mae Young that turned out to be a hand when she gave birth and caused a ring collapse with Big Show. He is the only WWE Superstar to have a theme performed by Oscar winners. He’s held the European Championship, ECW Championship and the World Heavyweight Championship. He can and will kill you. That’s what he does.

He’s also responsible for one of my favorite moments ever on Monday Night Raw. (Hint: It involves tears, lies and beating the crap out of John Cena.) Mark Henry, I love you.

So where did ‘Sexual Chocolate’ come from? Well, one of Henry’s story lines during the Attitude Era was that he was a sex addict who lost his virginity to his sister at the age of eight…wait…what the hell?

I’m going to stop here for a minute, because I feel disgusting. There were a few story lines during the Attitude Era that were incestuous. I’m not sure how they got away with it or why they even did them, but those story lines were gross, immature and lazy writing for the sake of shock value. And people, such as myself, wonder why people hate wrestling and think it’s horrible television. Well, it was and sometimes it still is, but it’s nothing like it was in the 90’s because none of that would fly today.

Okay, so the origin story of ‘Sexual Chocolate’ isn’t great, but the cake itself is delicious. I have no segue. I tried though.

FullSizeRender-18

A glistening chocolate cake

When explaining to my co-workers what I was making for our Holiday potluck I refused to refer to it by name and explained it instead. “Oh, that’s a Better Than Sex Cake,” said everyone. Yes, it is. I will not elaborate any further.

The first thing I ever cooked, well, assembled, was a trifle consisting of the same ingredients in my high school home economics class. If this flimsy silver pan isn’t working for you, layer them in a pretty glass bowl.

This is an easy recipe guaranteed to make everyone happy and sugar drunk. The most difficult part of this was finding Heath bars to sprinkle on top.

FullSizeRender-19

My co-workers brought in healthy, delicious dishes. Vegan Mac and Cheese, vegetarian chili, brussel sprouts, tuna salad. I brought an enormous 9X13 pan of diabetes. However, the cake was a hit and provided everyone with a quick sugar spike and subsequent crash to make the day drag on just a little longer.
“Oh, there’s no room in the fridge for it so I guess I need to take it home,” me, at 5pm. “Zzzzzzzz,” me, at 6:12pm.

This cookbook has a record of 11-4.

 

[WWE Cookbook] Mankind’s Pumpkin Pie

Baking stresses me out. I’ve lived in my home for over a year and I am still not entirely sure how to turn off the top heating element in my oven. It’s too fancy and efficient for me. I don’t understand how it works and haven’t really taken the steps to figure out how to understand. Someday. (Edit: I figured it out.)

This book has a multitude of desserts and about six of them are pies. Unless you’re The Rock, the only acceptable time to eat pie is between November 20 and December 27th. That’s too little a time frame to make six different pies. Plus, some of the recipes are for specific pie lovers. There’s a recipe for something called “Millionaire Pie” and also one for banana cream pie which I am pretty sure no one likes. If you’re that person, let me know and I will make you your very own BCP.

I settled on making Mankind’s Pumpkin Pie for my office’s annual Pie Day. Without a doubt, it is my favorite day at the office and I don’t even really like pie, but I love food and celebrations! Pies are ordered from Petsi Pies, a local, delicious bakery and employees can bring in pies to share and auction off to benefit one of our giving programs at the agency. I bought a giant can of Pumpkin Pie filling at our office’s Senior Pet Store, which sells donated items from the local Target to benefit the program of the same name. With enough pumpkin for two pies, I brought in one to share and one to auction. Kinda. You’ll see.

Before I ventured on this task, I tweeted at Mankind himself, Mick Foley, to do some investigating as to the legitimacy of this recipe. He didn’t respond, but it got a “like!”

FullSizeRender-16I expected more from my friend, Mick Foley. Back in 2010 I met him at a book signing at the BU Barnes and Noble (Awesome Kong/Kharma was also hanging out there, btw.) I’ll admit I wasn’t that familiar with Foley’s in ring work, but I’d read his first three books and loved them. He read from the chapter from “Countdown to Lockdown” in which he discusses his love of listening to Tori Amos’ “Winter” pre-match. When it came time to have him sign my book I could only muster a “I love Tori Amos, too.”

He stopped writing and slowly looked up. “Really?” And that began a ten minute long conversation between Foley and I about our favorite songstress which ended when the book store staff told me that I had to move along so other people could meet him.

I was almost out the door when he called me back in and asked me to lean down towards his good ear. “I just wanted to let you know that you did a really good job. We love not talking about wrestling sometimes.” I’m terrible at meeting famous people so I feel like I redeemed myself.

Foley is probably the best human on the planet. Not only is he engaging, sweet and funny, but he is a volunteer with RAINN (Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network), an infrequent correspondent on The Daily Show, a best selling author and a Christmas obsessed wannabe Santa Claus. He is the best.

Why should this pumpkin pie be any different? Even if it’s not from Foley himself (I read the contributions in the book), it appeared to be a standard pumpkin pie recipe. I rolled out the pie crust without issue, but I need to work on my edging technique. Next time.

IMG_6394

“Think I’ll remember those pies pies pies. Pies pies pies pies.” – Usher on Thanksgiving.

The pies came out looking a little overdone because of the top heating element and they didn’t look done in the middle when I the timer went off. When I put the knife in, a pretty good chunk of the pumpkin came out with it. I tried to make this look less jank on the other pie by trying to drawn an X and it may have worked. It’s what’s on the inside that counts.

And I have to say. The pie is delicious. I know this because once I realized that I had sliced a line in the pie while checking it’s doneness, I just cut a piece out and ate it. Then I had a slight panic attack about having to bring this in to share with other people so I cut another small piece. This is not normal. I was able to mask this during the presentation by saying that if I ever bring a baked good to your house and a piece is missing, you know I tested it and it’s the bomb.

My co-workers also seemed to like the pie and at auction it sold for $25. I would’ve been happy with anything above $5. Hopefully her friends and family enjoyed it at their Thanksgiving celebration!

So, what to watch when you eat this pie? I would highly recommend 1998’s Survivor Series. The event takes place the weekend before Thanksgiving and Mankind participates in the WWF Championship Tournament facing The Rock, Stone Cold and some others.

I would absolutely make this recipe again. Pumpkin Pie is one of those intimidating recipes, but let me give you a pep talk: You can do this. Just learn from my mistakes. And remember to wear an oven mitt when you take the pie out of the over. If you don’t have one. A Mr. Socko will do.

600

From Sportsmockery.com

 

Have a nice day!

 

Record: 9 wins, 3 loses.

 

[WWE Cookbook] Stephanie’s Tasty Greenwich Apples

One of the things that I find stressful and exciting about hosting is making sure that the dishes I prepare meet the dietary needs of my friends. For one of the most recent gatherings I had I wanted to make sure that I had enough snacks on hand for my vegan and gluten free friends.

Trying to stick with recipes from this cookbook was challenging, but when I came across Stephanie’s Tasty Green Apple recipe, I decided to give it a shot even though it is super weird.

stephanie-mcmahon-champion.jpg

The daughter of WWE CEO, Vince McMahon, Stephanie McMahon wasn’t handed her opportunities with the company. After graduating from Boston University with a degree in Communications, she started as a receptionist and account executive before moving on to become the Director of Creative Television in 2002. She served as Senior and Executive Vice President from 2010 until she began her current role as Chief Brand Officer in 2013.

On television, she’s a former Women’s Champion and General Manager. These days she leads The Authority with her husband, Triple H, acting like a cool mom and slapping Brie Bella for existing. It’s great.

She made $100 million last year. Welcome to the Queendom.

 

FullSizeRender-13.jpg

Lately I haven’t been that great at planning my time and have packed my days with multiple activities. My family came up the morning of my gathering to take some of my old furniture. I got to spend some time with my awesome seven year old niece who wanted to help me make this instead of staring at my cat under the couch.

She washed the grapes and apple while I dumped what was ready in the pan. I taught her how to measure liquid and let her pour the orange juice all over. I dumped way too much cinnamon on top of everything and she let me know that. When she asked me why I was taking a picture, I said it was so I could remember it. She grabbed her mom’s phone and also took a picture. It was a cool moment.

So, I’m not really sure how this was supposed to turn out. I followed all the directions and flawless measured the ingredients, but the liquid never absorbed into the fruit. I put this in the oven a few times before I eventually gave up and just left it on the stove.

I didn’t bother serving this because my friends brought over so much delicious food. When I finally heated up a cup of this in the microwave, I was really overwhelmed. Apples should be served solo or with peanut butter (JIF Salted Caramel, preferably) and grapes should be served with brie. Everything should be served with brie.

This recipe is pretty lame, so you’re going to want to watch something engaging while you try to enjoy it. I highly recommend Stephanie’s match against Brie Bella at Summer Slam 2014, but any of her wedding ceremonies would work, too. If you’re looking to watch her get ripped apart, watch her segment with The Rock and Ronda Rousey from this past Wrestlemania.

Also, I’m 90% sure that the title of this recipe has something to do her with her boobs.

This cookbook has a record of 7-3.

 

 

[WWE Cookbook] Kevin Kelly’s Breakfast Quiche

Honestly, I was really worried about how this particular recipe was going to work out. Quiches and frittata’s tend to be based around vegetables of substance, but this particular quiche only relied on basil and is crustless. Since I was serving this for book club, I was terrified as to how this was going to turn out and if it would be enough to serve my guests (alongside The Rock’s Pancakes.)

Thankfully, it was a hit! I’m sure you could add some of your own veggies to make it hearty, but serve this alongside some fruit and you have a very healthy breakfast – and a happy book club – I think!

 

Kevin Kelly was a ring announcer and manager for WWE from the mid-90’s to 2003. Wikipedia tells me that The Rock made fun of him a whole bunch and he was part of the controversial “Pillman’s Got a Gun” segment. Kelly has been working as an announcer for Ring of Honor since 2010. He also makes a bomb quiche.

mccormick-basil

Ah, crap. 

Oh! Add some mozzarella and tomato to make for a truly memorable quiche experience. Oh! I just realized I should’ve used fresh basil and not the shaky stuff from the container. Whoops! Still good though!

Quiche.

This cookbook has a record of 7-2.

(If you have some time on your hands google “Kevin Kelly wrestling quiche” and just try to figure out exactly what it all means.)

 

 

 

 

[WWE Cookbook] Chyna’s Pico de Gallo

I’m a pretty lazy host when it comes to having things at my home. Generally, I buy some cheese, crackers, salsa, chips and try to bake at least one thing. Using this cookbook to cater my exclusive affairs has helped me think creatively when it comes to the menu.

And besides, salsa is way more fun to serve when the recipe comes from the only female Intercontinental Champion/eventual porn star/will never be the HOF because of that/but wait Hulk Hogan was in and he had a sex tape/yeah, but they took him out when his racism was exposed/oh okay, more wrestling misogyny, I guess, Chyna.

I served this as part of a Charity Knitting group that I host periodically. This first one was rather impromptu and small because grad school, but I hope to host more throughout the winter. We’re always seeking knitters to make scarves and scarf/yarn donations. Last winter we placed a little over 20 scarves in the areas of the city where the majority of homeless people congregate in an effort to help combat the bitter cold.

Chyna’s recipe was pretty intense and called for eight (!!!!) jalapeños. I bought three and ended up using two and it was still spicy as hell. I hadn’t added any salt or pepper, like it suggests, because I have a baby mouth, but a few attendees with a more sophisticated palette added the salt and pepper and made it much, much better for everyone.

Since I had a ton of this left over, I used 1/4 cup in my morning egg and cheese scramble until it was all gone. It was amazing.

Again, I didn’t take any pictures, but it probably looked like this:

pico_de_gallo_1

I prefer my pico de gallo chunky because I am lazy and my knife skills are nonexistent. Yes, I absolutely used my goggles to cut the onions. 

This dish is best enjoyed watching Chyna shatter glass ceilings as the first female entrant of the Royal Rumble in 1999. (There have only been two other women: Beth Phoenix (2010) and Kharma (2012) Hoping for Sasha Banks (2016).

So, yeah, totally serve this at your next function. People will be impressed with your skills! You’ll be a hero! Bring some baked chips and NEVER bring Tostito’s “Touch of Lime” and you’ll be a hit!

This cookbook has a record of 6-2.

 

[WWE Cookbook] Paul Bearer’s Tuna Stuffed Tomatoes

A few months ago I saw a nutritionist for help with resetting my diet so I can begin my weight loss and get some better guidance around what foods I should avoid or indulge in with PCOS. We failed to see eye to this as she gave me a list of foods I could eat, told me I can have all the sugar-free gelatin I want and proceeded to mildly fat shame me when I asked specific questions. Avoiding bread was high on my list so her lunch suggestion of “a sandwich. It’s not that hard” made me want to smack her across the face with her plastic single portion mashed potatoes medieval duel style.

This recipe is not only healthy, but it is also PCOS friendly. It contains a high amount of protein, no dairy and no carbs. Who’s the nutritionist now!?

PaulBearer-AP

Bearer at ringside (Credit: Firstpost.com)

You might remember Paul Bearer as The Undertakers high pitched manager who accompanied him to the ring carrying an urn and looking scary as hell. I remember him as the guy I always thought was hiding in my closet with The Undertaker prepared to terrify me at any moment from ages 8-12.

At the beginning of his career, The Undertaker relied on Bearer to convey just how emotionally scarred and dangerous Undertaker was to his opponents. He played a pivotal role in the relationship between Undertaker and his brother, Kane, often switching alliances to progress the story

Bearer began his career as a teenager working as a wrestling manager and photographer. After college he spent a few years in the Air Force before returning back to wrestling. When his first son was born, he quit the wrestling business to pursue a master’s in mortuary sciences. In between stints in the WWE, he ran a funeral home.

He passed away in 2013 after suffering a heart attack at his home in Mobile, Alabama. Bearer was posthumously inducted in the WWE Hall of Fame in 2014.

Paul Bearer struggled with his weight all his life. At the time this book was published, Bearer had lost over 100lbs by changing his eating habits. This is one of a handful of recipes featured under the “Lighter Fare” section.

This recipe was posted elsewhere on the webs so I have no problem posting it.

If you’re a meal planner, this recipe is perfect for you. It requires very few, cheap ingredients. If you’re into beautiful flower like meal presentations, then score the tomato to open like a delicate flower and scoop your tuna mixture in it’s crevices.

I’ve been really bad at taking pictures lately, but it looks something like this:

39464e8bfb8ae505b1cbfce27f9e3f3d

From kraftrecipes.com

Aren’t they GORGEOUS?

Enjoy this recipe while watching any The Funeral Parlor segment hosted by Bearer.

While it may not seem that original, this is one of the more creative recipes in the cookbook. (Please see Big Boss Man’s Refrigerator Cookies for comparison).

This cookbook has a record of 5-2.

 

[WWE Cookbook] Perry Saturn’s Super Cookies

There are two phrases in this world I refuse to use. The first, “upcycled”, is an elitist hipster way to say “refurbished.” While the term “life hack” is really just advice to make your life easier or a work around or something that’s not a “life hack.” It’s just a new way to do something you were already doing!

No, I cannot explain the prop mop. (Photo: Bleacher Report)

No, I cannot explain the prop mop. (Photo: Bleacher Report)

I’m going to assume that at some point in your life you have baked cookies – either from scratch or from a tube or sheet of dough. Have you ever thought to take a box of cake mix, 1/3 cup vegetable oil and one egg and combine them to make cookie dough? Of course not! Now you know a new way to do something you were already doing.

Not only does this idea allow you to be more creative by choosing mixes like funfetti, red velvet and camouflage, but it’s far cheaper than the alternatives. It also takes zero time to put together while making people think that you spent so much time and your life savings on putting something so visually pleasing together for a low stakes get together. So, how does this miracle life hack stand up against the competition?

M’eh. The fact that I don’t have any pictures of these cookies because I ate them doesn’t really support my claim, but they came out a little wonky.  I’m also probably not making cookies correctly as they turned out to be the size of a quarter. They weren’t as beautiful as I had imagined they would be: hard and brown on the outside, but a little soft on the inside. My niece liked them though and we know that kids will be brutally honest about how food tastes.

Are these cookies really Perry Saturn’s recipe? Who is Perry Saturn? Based on what little information the cookbook provided about him and the fact I had never heard of him, I assumed he was a big, beefy guy signed because of his build who didn’t really contribute much to the state of wrestling. Turns out he’s performed in the four major television promotions: WWE, WCW, ECW and TNA/Impact. He’d held titles in all of those promotions with the exception of TNA/Impact.

Starting my search for facts on wikipedia (where we all know facts live), I was surprised to read this:

In April 2004, Satullo was involved in an altercation with two men when he came to the aid of a woman that they were in the process of raping. He fought the men and was shot with a .25 caliber handgun in the back of the neck and in the right shoulder, to which he originally thought he had received a punch, (as stated in a recent YouShoot) as a result of the scuffle. After being shot, Satullo became addicted to methamphetamine and was homeless for two and a half years. Satullo disappeared from public view and was not seen for several years, with his family and friends unaware of his whereabouts. Satullo reemerged in 2009, having resolved his addiction.

Holy. Cats. What a resilient and beyond decent dude. He’s remarried, healthy and still wrestles on the independents from time to time. I wish him nothing but the best and sincerely hope that he is doing well and continues to face down his addiction.

This dessert is best enjoyed by watching Perry Saturn reign supreme over Eddie Guerrero early in his WWE tenure during WWE Fully Loaded (2000.) This match also serves up a healthy dose of misogyny that had accompanied WWE matches until the early 2000’s  that we still see today, just not as blatant. You can also eat these cookies while fighting crime.

Despite the heroic efforts of Mr. Saturn, I have to give these cookies a thumbs down because they just don’t work. I think they’re good in a pinch if you have a spare box of cake mix around or want to impress your friends with this barely passable life hack.

This cookbook has a record of 4-2.


[WWE Cookbook] The Rock’s Famous Rock-Bottom Pancakes

[Insert “Do You Smell What The Rock is Cookin’?” joke] Pancakes! The Rock is cookin’ pancakes, you guys! Now, I have a problem. First off, these pancakes are fine. They’re just pancakes and what I presume is a normal pancake recipe so just make those if you want to make The Rock’s FAMOUS Rock-Bottom Pancakes. In fact, don’t even bother to change your recipe, it’s fine.

muscle-mealThe problem is that there are two recipes in here from my husband, The Rock, and neither of them are for a pie. The Rock loves pie so who better than The Rock to submit a recipe to this stupid cookbook. I want to know what type of pie is The Rock’s favorite pie and I want to make that pie for The Rock.

Honestly, these were tasty and a little sweet. Nothing like the stack of twelve pancakes that The Rock consumes on his epic cheat days in addition to the pizzas and pans of brownies. Do you think that you could hang with The Rock? Sure, hanging with The Rock on his cheat day sounds rad, but could you survive his regular diet? (Spoiler alert: It involves tons of cod.) In order to sustain this muscle mass and justify the cod consumption you’ll have to be able lift weight so heavy you’ll probably shit yourself.

Ta-Da!

Ta-Da!

This was the first time in my life I made normal pancakes. I’ve cooked kodiak cakes and those weird paleo ones that are just a banana and an egg. They’re delicious, but are they famous? This was also the first time I didn’t set off my smoke alarm by cooking pancakes. Success!

However, I did manage to spill a massive amount of flour on a towel on my counter which is way more fun than just the counter. The same thing happened when I made that artichoke chicken a few weeks back. I need a Flour Handler.

This was one of two recipes from the cookbook I prepared today for my book club brunch. Thankfully, the group embraced the fact that these were related to wrestling and were probably delighted that they tasted like normal pancakes. Success!

I’m going to give the recipe a skeptical pass because I feel like they could’ve really gone places with this recipe, but I didn’t burn my house down so it I consider it a great accomplishment!

Enjoy these with literally anything that The Rock has ever done in his life.

They went so fast!

They went so fast!

This cookbook is now has a record of 3-1.

[WWE Cookbook] Brooklyn Brawler’s Artichoke Chicken

After discovering this lost gem within my cookbook collection, I have decided to cook my way through Can You Take The Heat?: The WWE is Cooking!, the official cookbook of the Attitude Era. 

Credit: Knock Out Nation (knockout nation.com)

Credit: Knock Out Nation (knockout nation.com)

Our first installment, which I randomly selected by flipping through the book and stopping on a page, is the Brooklyn Brawler’s Artichoke Chicken. Now, I’m not entirely sure if all of these recipes actually come from the wrestlers themselves, but the Brawler’s recipe began with a dedication to a friend who had passed, so I am presuming this is legit.

Brawler was a staple in the WWE from 1983 until the mid 1990’s wrestling as enhancement talent. Now, you can find Brawler backstage at WWE events producing all those awkward backstage segments. As you will read below, this recipe is a total jobber, like Brawler, it’s just there to add protein to something more flavorful.

I am disappointed that it’s not called the Arti-REAR CHOKE HOLD Chicken. Do I have to do everything? There are almost no puns in this book and the majority of recipes don’t even seem to jive with the wrestler’s persona. More about that as we cook our way through!

Let me preface this by saying I am not creative in the kitchen and am very clumsy. When I flipped through the book, I was happy to see that the ingredients and steps were really very basic. This recipe fits that description. Some of the ingredients I already had on hand and the rest were easy to find in the grocery store. The most difficult part of this recipe was finding 4oz of artichoke hearts (with oil) at my local grocer. After an extensive search I was able to locate it in the International Foods aisle in a 6oz container. I used the entire thing because I’ve been doing Biostatistics all day and I don’t want to do any more math.

Some legal thing will probably happen if I post the actual recipe, but here are the ingredients!

That bottle of Charles Shaw is probably 6 months old. Does white wine lose it's power?

That bottle of Charles Shaw is probably 6 months old. Does white wine lose it’s power?

IMG_5921

I dumped way too much flour on the chicken which may have been a big mistake. I need better attention to detail when I am cooking.I also should’ve thrown in some salt and pepper to enhance the flavor, I guess.

The recipe calls for cooking half the chicken in a frying pan, dumping it into a roasting pan and repeating the same with the other half. I used a 12″ cast iron skillet and was able to fry all the chicken at once, dump other stuff in and put it in the oven.

The Result
It was pretty bland which can be blamed on me and not the Brawler. The recipe calls for garlic salt and I used the garlic powder I had on hand instead. Lesson learned! 

IMG_5922I served it over broccoli instead of grains. It’s grey. The chicken and the artichokes bled together to form one unappetizing color. I wonder if it could’ve been done without coating the chicken in flour since the gravy does not really enhance the final product.

Nutritional Information

This yields 4 servings. Each serving is 9 weight watcher points or about 377 calories (I used a very loose recipe builder to obtain these Nutrition Facts so the recipe may be lower in calories.)

 Screen Shot 2015-09-13 at 9.05.05 PM

Match Pairing 
Since this was a little bland I recommend the 1989 Saturday Night Main Event (March 11 episode vs Red Rooster) or a 1993 Raw (December 13 vs Bret Hart.)

Win/Loss
A non-title LOSS! There are many pros to this recipe: cheap, packed with protein, quick and easy to make, but it’s GREY. I didn’t like it enough to make it again.

This cookbook has a record of 0-1.