Overwhelmed and Excited, I think

Right now I am 2.5 weeks away from losing 2/3 of my stomach and I couldn’t be happier. The nurse called me to change my surgery date to two days earlier than originally scheduled and I said “You could change it to tomorrow and I’ll be there.” I’m ready for this change and this new chapter in my life. I’ll be healthier and while that is why I am doing, there’s a part of my that is screaming “HOLY CATS YOU COULD BE THIN FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE” and fighting back tears. I don’t know how this is going to go or ultimately where I’ll end up, but the promise of things radically changing for my body, finally, feels like a reward for all the hard work I put in five years ago. I’m going to do the same hard work, but the weight will stay off this time.

I have goal clothing. Recently I bought a Candice LaRae shirt from Hot Topic. I’m 35. I bought the shirt in a medium (unisex) because I have been that size before so this isn’t out of the realm of possibilities. I want to get back into my sailboat dress. My goal stores are Patagonia and Banana Republic. If I can walk into Patagonia and try on a jacket and have it fit that will be enough. I don’t even need to buy it. Success.

I’m pretty sure the Dunkin Donuts I go to will have think I died. They’ll first realize this when they have a surplus of pumpkin syrup and don’t run out mid-September. The delivery guy from my favorite Chinese take-out place is listed in my phone as “Food is Here” because he sings that to me when I answer his call. I had to put him in my phone because I  blocked him one time for trying to deliver food to me I didn’t order and thought I was being harassed. I doubt any of you have had to put that much energy and forethought into your take-out orders. I like him; sad to lose him as a friend.

I’ve spent less time thinking about the actual surgery including, but not limited to, the procedure, the hospital stay, the recovery period and the rest of my life and more time thinking about what I can accomplish with those two weeks off from work. My list includes reading a bunch of books, rewatching Happy Endings and trying to trick people into painting my living room (“I thought I had more energy and I’m still too sore. The paint is over there thank you.”)

Only recently did I decide to put my non-profit financial management certificate program on hold because math is hard and financial statements are boring AF. I tried to  take another graduate course that I don’t need so I can get my financial aid to pay for my remaining two classes and a three week practicum in Ghana, which is essential to the work I want to be doing, but I am two days late. I’m stressed, angry, sad and I’m forced to change my thinking when these upsets happen. With all the money I’ll save on not going out to eat or drink I will probably be able to go to Ghana three times. Positive thinking? (I will figure this out, I always do.)

What I’m saying is that I have taken on way too much, per usual, and I’m very tired, per usual, and my gym membership goes unused, per usual. This all falls under the category of not taking care of myself, which is so unbelievably important in general, but especially after surgery. I’m forced to develop an entirely new set of coping skills for when I’m feeling stressed. So much of my time, focus and energy will be spent on making sure that I am following the guidelines and doing what I need to do because I have one chance with this one year to lose what I can so I can live the life I want. Mom’s spaghetti.

There can be no more over doing things. I’m forced into being my #1 priority. Last year when I told my boyfriend I was going to sign up for roller derby intro classes he said “You can’t even find the time now to get to the rink and skate before it even starts.” Even a month ago when I received an email classes were starting again I had to stop myself from responding with “I think I’ll miss two weeks because I’m having weight loss surgery” and instead wrote “Please let me know when your next round of classes are happening.” I’m really proud of myself. When I love things I throw myself in and that sometimes means that things are done half-assed. That’s not fair to the other people whose passion is that thing I am constantly dropping the ball on.

Everything will be moving forward in the direction I have always wanted things to move in. Maybe I was too scared to be successful or I keep myself too busy to prevent myself from getting hurt and endless over thinking. This surgery is going to change the way I do almost everything and help me prioritize what is actually important.

 

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3 responses

  1. Very insightful, with great self awearness. A very good read as usual

  2. Carole-Lynn Murphy | Reply

    Best of luck to you! You are in my prayers. xoxoxox

  3. All good wishes for you, Dana.

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