We’re Not Talking About It

If you look at my Chrome browser at home you’ll find two tabs open: Gmail and the google search result for the gif of Lenny Kravitz’ penis busting through his pants at a concert in Sweden back in 2015. The gif has been open in my browser ever since I mentioned it to my boyfriend and gasped in horror at him never having seen it. The search for an uncensored version online was extensive and I’m scared I’m going to lose it forever.

For those that haven’t seen the gif and are unable to find it without the sweating/laughing emoji over it, Kravitz is playing his hit “Fly Away” (too many jokes), squats down at the edge of the stage to play to the audience, his pants rip and his dong just bungee jumps out of his pants and right back up in the blink of an eye. (Note: I swear I saw one gif with Britney Spear’s face over it. I didn’t have the sound on, but if it didn’t say “It’s Britney, bitch” when it escapes, what’s the point?)

It’s not that I like looking at Lenny Kravitz penis and if he had come forward and said “Guys, don’t look at that, please. I’m so embarrassed,” I gladly would close the browser. John Mulaney’s George St. Geegland from Oh, Hello! mentions the incident in their Broadway show and notes that “this did not get enough attention at the time.” Let’s give it some attention.

This image is funny for a million reasons. Sometimes I sit and watch it and make “BOIIIING!” noises or try to imitate a slide whistle. Other times I just marvel at how brazen and shy something can be at the same time. Often I’m reminded of my trip to America’s Stonehenge where I saw an alpaca’s penis for the first time, which is just like a human penis, you’re welcome.

Other times I’m amazed. How did this even happen? It just dick punches through his leather pants. Leather is made from cow hide, which keeps a cows insides where they belong. I checked and no part of a cow, minus a prolapsed uterus or anus, has ever exploded through it’s own skin. Yes, prolapsed uterus and anus are known to slip out from time to time, but that happens with age to cows and to people. Be mindful of the whereabouts of your uterus and anus at all times! Someone will need to put it back in for you.

It’s almost poetic, the way it happens. Kravitz doesn’t miss a beat and continues playing, but I don’t really know what happened after that. I’m more focused on the gif and I will never close that browser window.

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