[WWE Cookbook] Perry Saturn’s Super Cookies

There are two phrases in this world I refuse to use. The first, “upcycled”, is an elitist hipster way to say “refurbished.” While the term “life hack” is really just advice to make your life easier or a work around or something that’s not a “life hack.” It’s just a new way to do something you were already doing!

No, I cannot explain the prop mop. (Photo: Bleacher Report)

No, I cannot explain the prop mop. (Photo: Bleacher Report)

I’m going to assume that at some point in your life you have baked cookies – either from scratch or from a tube or sheet of dough. Have you ever thought to take a box of cake mix, 1/3 cup vegetable oil and one egg and combine them to make cookie dough? Of course not! Now you know a new way to do something you were already doing.

Not only does this idea allow you to be more creative by choosing mixes like funfetti, red velvet and camouflage, but it’s far cheaper than the alternatives. It also takes zero time to put together while making people think that you spent so much time and your life savings on putting something so visually pleasing together for a low stakes get together. So, how does this miracle life hack stand up against the competition?

M’eh. The fact that I don’t have any pictures of these cookies because I ate them doesn’t really support my claim, but they came out a little wonky.  I’m also probably not making cookies correctly as they turned out to be the size of a quarter. They weren’t as beautiful as I had imagined they would be: hard and brown on the outside, but a little soft on the inside. My niece liked them though and we know that kids will be brutally honest about how food tastes.

Are these cookies really Perry Saturn’s recipe? Who is Perry Saturn? Based on what little information the cookbook provided about him and the fact I had never heard of him, I assumed he was a big, beefy guy signed because of his build who didn’t really contribute much to the state of wrestling. Turns out he’s performed in the four major television promotions: WWE, WCW, ECW and TNA/Impact. He’d held titles in all of those promotions with the exception of TNA/Impact.

Starting my search for facts on wikipedia (where we all know facts live), I was surprised to read this:

In April 2004, Satullo was involved in an altercation with two men when he came to the aid of a woman that they were in the process of raping. He fought the men and was shot with a .25 caliber handgun in the back of the neck and in the right shoulder, to which he originally thought he had received a punch, (as stated in a recent YouShoot) as a result of the scuffle. After being shot, Satullo became addicted to methamphetamine and was homeless for two and a half years. Satullo disappeared from public view and was not seen for several years, with his family and friends unaware of his whereabouts. Satullo reemerged in 2009, having resolved his addiction.

Holy. Cats. What a resilient and beyond decent dude. He’s remarried, healthy and still wrestles on the independents from time to time. I wish him nothing but the best and sincerely hope that he is doing well and continues to face down his addiction.

This dessert is best enjoyed by watching Perry Saturn reign supreme over Eddie Guerrero early in his WWE tenure during WWE Fully Loaded (2000.) This match also serves up a healthy dose of misogyny that had accompanied WWE matches until the early 2000’s  that we still see today, just not as blatant. You can also eat these cookies while fighting crime.

Despite the heroic efforts of Mr. Saturn, I have to give these cookies a thumbs down because they just don’t work. I think they’re good in a pinch if you have a spare box of cake mix around or want to impress your friends with this barely passable life hack.

This cookbook has a record of 4-2.


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