Within my group of a friends I am one of a select few that happens to be single. The single paranoia has been creeping in lately. Am I excluded from activities because I don’t have a significant other? What is going to happen to my friendships that I have spent a long time cultivating now that they’re in new relationships? How many cats should I adopt?
I spent some time reading lists on various websites trying to get a feel for how other single people feel and deal with these thoughts. After all these emotions are entirely on me and I need to put their asses in check. Everyone should have the opportunity to fall in love. I read an “article” entitled “The 3 Big Reasons Why You’re Still Single.” Perfect! Now we’re getting somewhere. It approached the subject from the perspective that the reader is actually able to get dates and they’re just fucking it up somewhere by being emotionally unavailable or too afraid to set boundaries. The fact that people don’t stay single very long between partners is a phenomenon to me. An occasional five week hang out period every year or so is my norm. It is what it is.
I am an active participant in online dating and have been for years, but it’s yielded little result. I think I’m a hard sell. If you reached into a bag of single people, you would pull out a social services worker with low self esteem four out of five times. We cancel each other out. I participate in a number of recreational activities that introduce me to new groups of people, but it’s done very little in terms of romance. I even went to a speed dating event once (which was pretty much the worst, but having one guy think I spent some time in prison was worth it.)
When every step you take to rid yourself of single hood doesn’t seem to work, the next logical step is to assume that it is you. You are not good enough, successful enough or attractive enough to appeal to anyone. There are always better looking girls and guys at that bar. You may approach people with a shitload of confidence, but it doesn’t matter. Ultimately you will lose to someone else based on some trite attribute that is coveted. And it’s so dumb, you guys.
We are too harsh on ourselves and it needs to stop. Your self worth is not determined by your position in this world. It is determined by you and you deserve everything. While walking through Chicago with a friend last week I stopped and saw my reflection in the side of a building. “Ugh, I’m still so fat and gross,” I complained.
“Would you ever say that to someone?”
Of course I wouldn’t. It’s an awful thing to say to someone, but when we feel alone it is so easy to judge our imperfections and feel like it’s accurate. If it’s what we see, it must be what others see and I believe this one attribute of myself to be what holds me back. All of my positive qualities are forgotten in that moment because I caught a glimpse of myself in a distorted window of a building and I immediately jumped to the negative. How do we change that line of thinking? It’s something that we need to take control of and do ourselves.
So, here are “The 3 Big Reasons Why You Are Single.”
1. The right person hasn’t come along yet to love every goddamn amazing inch of your strength, spirit and mind.
Actually, there’s just one.